The Infirmary

"I-if you say so. Maybe I should sit down for this," I said and went over to a chair.

I waited until he was setting down and took Daphne over to him. He was worried but she fit just right in her uncle's arms "See, that's all there is to it."

"Oh wow... Am... am I doing this right?" I asked, looking up at her, then looking back down at Daphne. "I don't want to drop her, what if I drop her?"

"You won't, you're holding her just right. Just breathe and relax."

I nodded and took a deep breath, holding her against me but not too tightly. "Carter said he wanted us to take her home. I don't think I should carry her though."

"Why is that?" I asked, standing in the door way. I looked at his bandaged wrists and didn't need an explanation. I'd come looking for Pepper to tell her the baby was now with Leyla and Darnell. "If you guys don't mind, I'd like to talk to Cam."


"No problem." I told him, stepping out with Abi, Lea, and Pepper.

I looked up at Asher then back down at the baby as everyone else left the room. "I just... I don't... I don't want to drop her," I said quietly.

I picked up one of the chairs and carried it over, placing it next to him. I sighed a little as I sat down "Why would you do that?" I asked him, nodding towards his wrists "You know she's the best cure for that problem."

"What problem?" I sighed. "I just... I don't want to be here anymore Asher. I wouldn't be if they'd just found me a few minutes later. I don't want to... live with all my disappointments. That's all I've ever been to anyone, a disappointment and a failure. Everything I did on the... the drugs... I can't get over it. I've tried... and I can't. You know I almost... raped Abi? She came to my house after what happened in 6 and..." I sighed again and looked up at him. "Will you take her please? Lay her down or something? I'm... I'm shaking a little and... yeah, can you just please take her?"

"And what if you were dead right now? Where would that leave Carter and little Daphne? Your brother just lost his girlfriend, he's in no condition to emotionally care for that little girl right now. You're her blood, her uncle. It seems to me like Abi has forgiven, hasn't she?" I said as I stood and took Daphne gently into my arms.

"Maybe I don't want to be forgiven. I don't feel like... like I deserve to be forgiven. And Carter... he didn't even come around until Abi went and got him, right before... well, right before I did this. He's been all but ignoring me since we came here. And Daphne... I don't... I don't know anything about babies Asher, I don't know how to take care of one. I can't even take care of myself."

"No one automatically knows how to take care of babies, hell I have two on the way. I'm scared, shitless." I said "I know how you're feeling right now...for a long time I kept blaming myself for something I couldn't have changed no matter how much I wanted to and I didn't feel like living then either. But one day you will. You'll wake up and you'll feel alive again."

"I don't see how that's ever gonna happen. Maybe the truth is that... I don't want to. I don't want to feel alive... cause I don't want to be alive."

"You have to start focusing on the here and now. Not what happened back in that hell hole, not even what happened yesterday. The here and now." I said "I know it's always easier said than done. What did you see when you first woke up from your attempted suicide?"

"Abi. Carter. Caleb and Bastian. And Lea. They were... sitting around me. Waiting for me to wake up."

"And what does that tell you? Because they weren't there for a picnic."

"I don't know what it tells me. All I know is... they should've just... left me. A few more minutes and... and I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore Asher."

"It means they love you, Cam. And Abi loves you, that's why she's staying by your side through this whether you want her to or not."

"Well she shouldn't. She deserves so much better than me. I can't... be what she needs, give her what she needs."

"Maybe not but you're what she wants and that counts for a lot."

"She should be with someone that can... take care of her though. Not someone she has to watch all the time so he doesn't off himself."

"You won't always feel this way, and she knows that. She knew you before this happened."

"I didn't even know me before this happened. I've... If I'm honest, I never have. Back in Kampfer, I was always trying to be what I thought my dad wanted."

"You were trying to be what he wanted in the training program, not with Abi."

"It was more than the training program, but... you're right. With Abi... she's... she's the only one that's ever... made me feel like a human being. Like I mattered more than anyone else in the world."